Day 22 ish

I want to write a comprehensive journal entry but I find my energy has left me. I'm attending those meetings and I have a sponsor who seems to be awesome. She requested I write out my whole life of drinking, and that really opened my eyes to the fact I was trying really hard to capture the 'golden years' when it was fun, but it ceased to be fun a long time ago. It really underlined what it is I am doing and why.  

I hope to get into the deeper parts of not drinking and update on my recent comedy trip, but I shall do it later. 

Good night, and I hope you find the peace you seek. 

Day 8! YAY ME!

I know, to people who are 'normal' drinkers or non drinkers, it seems like 8 days without alcohol is a normal thing. It seems like much longer to me, and I think it's because I've been living normally. Not holing myself up in my house, using my white knuckles to find an excuse to drink. I did a show last night really really sober and you know what? It rocked. My set was pretty good, I did new stuff. I started differently than I normally do and I got laughs with it. But you know what rocked most? That I was sober. That I didn't have that warm blanket of not-give-a-fuck. Because that blanket makes me feel like a loser asshole. It's not a fun 'who gives a fuck let's party down', it's a sad 'what's the use?'.  I left the venue feeling really great.

Day 6 -Pretty fucking close to a week!

 I did something unprecedented last night and amazingly it doesn't end with- "and after that I blacked out and don't know how I got home." I am involved with a comics board that is for local-to-me comics. We flame, discuss and verbally spit on each other but mostly it's out of *ahem* love. It's like if everyone in your office could actually say what they thought about Sally in accounting. Sure, she's a bitch and you all talk about it, but what if you could go up to her and say "Sally, I respect your work and you're an amazing accountant but you're a total douchebag to everyone, what is your fuckin' problem, dude?" And no one would sue.

I'm sure at some point a comic will sue another comic for defamation or some shit and fuck it up for everyone, but at this point I personally think it's rad.  We live in a world where people are way too sensitive to being offended and it's nice to know if someone has a problem with you, they'll just tell you vs. playing office politics. I never got office politics, it seems like a arbitrary system where we all kiss the bosses ass- even though the boss doesn't know the difference between there, their and they're- and we're all laughing about what an idiot he is behind his back. Like a really shitty dysfunctional relationship that you have to stay in because they pay you. But I digress.
 
Before anyone starts saying anything about sexual harassment, I'm a chick and I get sexually harassed about once a week (on a good week). In example, there's a (male) comic who always flirts with me and I finally told him "You know no matter how many drinks you buy me, I'm never going to fuck you, right?" and he laughed and tension over.  I like him, we're buddies.

These are the chicks and dudes that I perform with every night and see most often. And I love comics, their opinions mean something to me.  So last night, I was like 'why don't I come out about this whole thing? I mean, they may call me a wimp and a quitter, but at least I won't get offered booze at shows'  so I posted to the board. To my amazement, (and some of you may be thinking, 'of course they are happy you've decided not to kill yourself slowly' but it's the culture) I received a outpouring of  acceptance from all of those I give a shit about. Now, if you've got a problem, get your own shit together dude.

Now I've got a couple of folks also getting sober, but I'll also not have to worry about feeling like the fat girl at the prom. I can now look at this is say, 'Yes, I'm a drunky mcdrunkerpants, but I can choose not to be a active drunky mcdrunkerpants.'

I have a choice in this.

Day 4

You'll notice-my imaginary readers- that I have a large gap between when day 2 and day 4 is being published. For those of you that are playing at home, I think you'll be able to ferret out the reason.

I am actually on Day 4. After many relapses while trying to stay sober at home. I took my drunken ass over to AA Sunday, got a interim sponsor and I also went to a SMART recovery online meeting in addition to AA yesterday. I need social support through this, as we are social animals. I don't want to hear any AA is a cult bullshit, either. Because you know what, if it's a cult and it helps me not to die from drinking, then so be it. Give me that glass of kool-aid. YUM!

So far, I feel pretty great. I'm sleeping well and having crazy ass dreams. (for those that don't know, you sleep is very shitty when you 'pass out' vs. going to sleep). My dreams include; getting busted by the cops with a massive amount of pot in my bag. I'm freaking out and imagining jail time, but it turns out it's clover. And my mind reminding me that I left my last lover so I could drink, by way of making a bottle my bed companion. I wake up cuddling this massive bottle of vodka. (Not so far from the truth) I'm a bit surly, but I don't really care. I'd rather be surly than the depressed piece of shit I've been hungover.

I'm not doing many shows, because I'm trying to stay out of bars. I'm just going to have to take the time off, with the thought that I will be better later. I've got a series of shows next week however, in podunk casinos, where I will be on the road for 5 days. I hope to hell I can keep it together. I would cancel but the shows are a) my rent money and b) done through a booker that I would like to keep doing shows for and cancelling means I may not get booked again. I'll call my sponsor from the road, keep blogging, and use online support.

I have a panel tonight on comedy, but it's at a community center and I doubt there will be liquor, and I have a BBQ and show on Saturday but I'm hosting a AA friend from out of town who will be with me. Luckily, I'm way to concerned with people's opinions to fall off in front of someone.

Day 2 (Isn't that title exciting!)

Hey, I never pretended to be a saint. Maybe once, but it was a role-playing thing and she had a fetish for Catholics. Maybe she never was allowed to be an alter-boy. I'll never know. All I know is 99% of the time fetishes come from somewhere. I just don't think every issue needs to be solved and eradicated. Like my desperate need for attention, my ability to do nothing but read as a fat kid and my inability to 'work up to potential' has created someone who writes and performs incessantly. See how that's benefiting you now? Sometimes our pasts come back to help us.

Mostly I realize this is benefiting me since this blog is somewhat anonymous.* I mean, it wouldn't take Sherlock Holmes or the hot chick from SVU to figure out who I am. Anyone who has spent more than 3 hours with me at a bar knows that my tolerance for alcohol is unusual. It's not even legendary, just high. Because, apparently even in drinking, I fall short of expectations.

So that brings me to why I want to quit drinking. I see all of these comics working to make being a alcoholic asshole work for them, but I can't seem to do it. I just am a big messy drunk. The only thing that drinking seems to do is drain my wallet and make me act like Wimpy. 'I'd gladly give you a dollar on Tuesday for a vodka today.' I'm tired of feeling like a pathetic loser.

However, there is a part of me who is afraid that getting sober means becoming 'boring', and that sounds like 'dead'.  But I would like to have a good solid relationship and career and that ain't happening if I'm having to shield my date from knowing how many drinks I have had and trying to find a place to go dancing that has at least 2 bars so she doesn't catch on. Because that just sounds like a healthy relationship waiting to happen.

I get addicted easily to things. I studied comedy, singing, and writing... obsessively.  Basically anything I am interested in, I obsessively pursue. But drinking is one thing I cannot get behind enough to give up.  But I did it today, and I did it yesterday. God, am I going to have to be a One Day At A Time-er? Alright, but I'm claiming Bill Hicks as my Higher Power.

Thank God I never tried Crack.

*This blog may be funny, sad, upset, raving or plain denialville. Fair Warning.