Day 8! YAY ME!

I know, to people who are 'normal' drinkers or non drinkers, it seems like 8 days without alcohol is a normal thing. It seems like much longer to me, and I think it's because I've been living normally. Not holing myself up in my house, using my white knuckles to find an excuse to drink. I did a show last night really really sober and you know what? It rocked. My set was pretty good, I did new stuff. I started differently than I normally do and I got laughs with it. But you know what rocked most? That I was sober. That I didn't have that warm blanket of not-give-a-fuck. Because that blanket makes me feel like a loser asshole. It's not a fun 'who gives a fuck let's party down', it's a sad 'what's the use?'.  I left the venue feeling really great.

Day 6 -Pretty fucking close to a week!

 I did something unprecedented last night and amazingly it doesn't end with- "and after that I blacked out and don't know how I got home." I am involved with a comics board that is for local-to-me comics. We flame, discuss and verbally spit on each other but mostly it's out of *ahem* love. It's like if everyone in your office could actually say what they thought about Sally in accounting. Sure, she's a bitch and you all talk about it, but what if you could go up to her and say "Sally, I respect your work and you're an amazing accountant but you're a total douchebag to everyone, what is your fuckin' problem, dude?" And no one would sue.

I'm sure at some point a comic will sue another comic for defamation or some shit and fuck it up for everyone, but at this point I personally think it's rad.  We live in a world where people are way too sensitive to being offended and it's nice to know if someone has a problem with you, they'll just tell you vs. playing office politics. I never got office politics, it seems like a arbitrary system where we all kiss the bosses ass- even though the boss doesn't know the difference between there, their and they're- and we're all laughing about what an idiot he is behind his back. Like a really shitty dysfunctional relationship that you have to stay in because they pay you. But I digress.
 
Before anyone starts saying anything about sexual harassment, I'm a chick and I get sexually harassed about once a week (on a good week). In example, there's a (male) comic who always flirts with me and I finally told him "You know no matter how many drinks you buy me, I'm never going to fuck you, right?" and he laughed and tension over.  I like him, we're buddies.

These are the chicks and dudes that I perform with every night and see most often. And I love comics, their opinions mean something to me.  So last night, I was like 'why don't I come out about this whole thing? I mean, they may call me a wimp and a quitter, but at least I won't get offered booze at shows'  so I posted to the board. To my amazement, (and some of you may be thinking, 'of course they are happy you've decided not to kill yourself slowly' but it's the culture) I received a outpouring of  acceptance from all of those I give a shit about. Now, if you've got a problem, get your own shit together dude.

Now I've got a couple of folks also getting sober, but I'll also not have to worry about feeling like the fat girl at the prom. I can now look at this is say, 'Yes, I'm a drunky mcdrunkerpants, but I can choose not to be a active drunky mcdrunkerpants.'

I have a choice in this.

Day 4

You'll notice-my imaginary readers- that I have a large gap between when day 2 and day 4 is being published. For those of you that are playing at home, I think you'll be able to ferret out the reason.

I am actually on Day 4. After many relapses while trying to stay sober at home. I took my drunken ass over to AA Sunday, got a interim sponsor and I also went to a SMART recovery online meeting in addition to AA yesterday. I need social support through this, as we are social animals. I don't want to hear any AA is a cult bullshit, either. Because you know what, if it's a cult and it helps me not to die from drinking, then so be it. Give me that glass of kool-aid. YUM!

So far, I feel pretty great. I'm sleeping well and having crazy ass dreams. (for those that don't know, you sleep is very shitty when you 'pass out' vs. going to sleep). My dreams include; getting busted by the cops with a massive amount of pot in my bag. I'm freaking out and imagining jail time, but it turns out it's clover. And my mind reminding me that I left my last lover so I could drink, by way of making a bottle my bed companion. I wake up cuddling this massive bottle of vodka. (Not so far from the truth) I'm a bit surly, but I don't really care. I'd rather be surly than the depressed piece of shit I've been hungover.

I'm not doing many shows, because I'm trying to stay out of bars. I'm just going to have to take the time off, with the thought that I will be better later. I've got a series of shows next week however, in podunk casinos, where I will be on the road for 5 days. I hope to hell I can keep it together. I would cancel but the shows are a) my rent money and b) done through a booker that I would like to keep doing shows for and cancelling means I may not get booked again. I'll call my sponsor from the road, keep blogging, and use online support.

I have a panel tonight on comedy, but it's at a community center and I doubt there will be liquor, and I have a BBQ and show on Saturday but I'm hosting a AA friend from out of town who will be with me. Luckily, I'm way to concerned with people's opinions to fall off in front of someone.